Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
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