Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
