i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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