THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Randomize
