I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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