Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
