pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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