someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
