He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
