Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
