I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
