Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
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Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
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We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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