My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
