Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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