i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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