mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
