I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
The air was thick with penises
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
