I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
