I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
