Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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