Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
