i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
