If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
The feeling are messing with the penis
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Randomize
