Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Four minutes until I can fart!
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
