Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
