Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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