a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
