I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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