There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
