Already got asked if we're dating
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
