The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Randomize
