Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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