I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize
