Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
zippers are such a cool invention
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at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
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How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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