Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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