just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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