I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
