I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
