Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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