I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
