why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
