im six kinds of drunk right now
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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