He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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