his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize
