Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
