So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
i just sent this text using only my big toe
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
