Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
