whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
