I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
