You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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