You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
