I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
